i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
