I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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