Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
