Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
