The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
