just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize