I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
