Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Is Oprah even human
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize