i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize