Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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