Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
