Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
