he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
