I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
