My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
