You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
