I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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