I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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