so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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