Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
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