Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Floor bacon is actually really good
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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