The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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