Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
