dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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