oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
