just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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