ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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