I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
you never un-have a 4some
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
