I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
