if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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