genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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