she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
