When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize