don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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