MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
