new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
