god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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