I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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