I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
