I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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