you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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