Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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