There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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