hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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