Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
