dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
