i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Can I color on your dick again?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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