Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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