You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
