can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
