I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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