i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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