this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
