I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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