Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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