he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
did i just pee glitter
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
