yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize