i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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