chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize
