he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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