apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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