I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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