im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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