I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
