He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
