gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
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