Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
