The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
