Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize